Courage in the Trials

The day before my mom’s diagnosis I had an appointment with my tattoo artist. The piece was clean and simple. Black and white of a flower and the scripture reference of Joshua 1:9 (NKJV) “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” The months prior had found me leaning on this verse, trusting in God and reminding myself that I truly have nothing to be afraid of. My relationship with God is the foundation of my life. Saying it is one thing. Putting it into action – another. At this point, August, I’m supporting my husband, Rob, as he feels led to move us from CO. Work is a challenge and I’m still in a bit of a fog, not understanding why things / people are the way they are. I’d like to say that I was leaning in and examining myself in light of God’s Word but truth – I wasn’t doing it to the degree with which I should have. It was easier to find fault with others. Then, mom. There’s a lot there to unpack but for now, we are going to focus on the journey of the diagnosis. Stage IV (I think) Peritoneal Cancer. I add “I think” because mom was very hesitant to disclose much information.

Part of my testimony is that my childhood wasn’t the happiest of experiences. That’s an understatement but enough for now. Relevant is that at some point in the not too distant past I did say to my husband that I really didn’t know how I’d respond to the death of my parents. Relevant is that our middle child died in 1994 and I am familiar with grieving the death of a child you love to an unmeasurable extent. But my parents, that was different. My relationship with them was painful, for many years distant, and only in the last few years was there a beginning of connection. There never was an occasion to turn to them for advice, guidance, support, or encouragement. There were way too many years of me being the parent. Circumstances being what they were I had also learned to not connect because it was safer, easier. My dad, who lived in CA, had died less than a year prior, completely unexpected! That’s a story for another time. I still hadn’t processed that grief. Quite frankly I was still working through releasing bitterness, towards both my parents. My last conversation with my dad, when he was in hospital, as I was asking how he was doing – – all he was concerned with was me contacting his wife because he couldn’t reach her. One more time I put myself out there, care, only to be shut out. Whatever. I called her and did my daughterly duty.

Now mom. Stage IV. She was scared, she wasn’t ready to die. Sadly she had a lot of regret and anger. Greater than those things; however, she had a relationship with Jesus. That was her strength. That was her joy. That was her hope. Growing up our lives didn’t include God – definitely not a relationship with Jesus. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s / 40s when my life began to change thanks be to Jesus, that mom opened her heart to Jesus. In the early days of her diagnosis there were appointments with the medical team and nutritionist. She was overwhelmed. Her husband was there with her. Mom prioritized him above all so I left it to him. Mom and I would talk daily, the weekends were the deeper conversations, talking about Jesus and His promises, His love, His sacrifice for us, and most importantly, His gift to us of salvation through a relationship with Him. There would be joy in the conversations but also there was raw openness. I held back much of the things on my heart. There was no value in bringing up the past – can’t change any of it. I think of Paul writing to the church in Philippi, specifically 3:13 “…forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (NKJV). The stuff of the past, none of that defines me and as I grow in Christ, there is a maturity, there is an awareness, there is grace, there is mercy, there is love. As I shared earlier, I was in a season of releasing all bitterness towards my parents and here was a gift from God, an opportunity to be in the moment, to encourage in the truth of God’s love and that was all I wanted. My mom and I were able to connect in a way we never had and it was with Jesus at the center. She was releasing her anger and fear to Him and Jesus was allowing me to be a part of her experience. In this season of unknown, we both knew that God was with there with us and in Him we could be courageous in each day.