A little background…(part II)

Four months after moving I met my now husband. Rob and his family were the exact opposite of me and mine.  We were soon engaged and during the 16-month engagement we fought, called off the wedding, and I chose to have an abortion.  I said “yes” but I still didn’t trust.  September 1989, we were married. A very simple but beautiful ceremony.

Growing our family was next.  Tyler graced us with his presence in October of 1991 – on Rob’s birthday to be exact.  Financially we were in dire straits as I had recently been laid off. Fast forward to 1993 and now both of us are unemployed and we are pregnant.  We chose to live over an hour away from a large city. Industry was not plentiful, resulting in minimized employment opportunities, which were already slim due to the severe economic depression. Rob felt our best opportunity was to pack up our home, place it in storage, take what we could fit in our trunk, and leave for Colorado.  To earn some travel funds, my mom and step-dad allowed us to move in as Rob worked for them at their print company.  Sadly, soon after our arrival my brother and his family moved in.  Harmony was not the word of the day.  Stress led to challenges with my pregnancy and at an emergency hospital visit the physician believed there were indicators of the baby being deformed and encouraged termination.  No.  With what little money we had, Rob, Tara, Tyler, and I left for Colorado sooner than expected. 

Arriving in Denver, Rob’s sister and her boyfriend allowed our little family to stay in the living room of their one-bedroom apartment.  After a week of full-day travels to find a place to live, we were successful.  No job or money for a deposit, and still the property management agent said “yes”.  A few days in a seedy motel and we were finally on the road to our new residence, a darling two-bedroom condo in a (then) sleepy little town.

Rob was soon employed and after a few months of work we had saved enough money for him to fly to California, unload our storage facility into a moving van, and drive back to Colorado.  I cannot explain the excitement of knowing that I’d no longer be sleeping on the floor. We’d soon have more than one plate, fork, knife, and cup each. Tyler wouldn’t have to sleep in his playpen and Tara would have a bed instead of a chaise lounge mattress.  Cable TV and long-distance phone service still weren’t in our budget but we made do with video rentals from the library and enjoyed plenty of family time.  We didn’t know then just how precious that time would become.

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We were starting fresh.  No friends.  No familiarity with the town.  Our neighbor and his fiancé soon became our friends.  She was the light of Jesus I had never before experienced.  My past had left me an unhappy, untrusting, and mean shell of a person.  I had no belief in or use for a God who would allow what had transpired.  She had her own past.  I listened.  She was nothing like me.  I wanted to know more.  Alec was born in January 1994.  Our little family was complete.  The doctor who suggested termination, warning that Alec would be deformed, he couldn’t have been more wrong, on numerous levels.  We had been attending church as a family and in March of that year I accepted Christ as my Savior. 

June 28, 1994.  I woke up later than usual.  I knew something was wrong.  I found Tyler, dead in his bed.  Rob tried to resuscitate him.  I called 9-1-1.  He could not be revived.  The police were required to consider us murder suspects.  I accepted Tyler’s death as just one more example of how my life happens. Almost three years old.  Didn’t see this coming.  I recall thinking, “Alright God. Now we are even.  I killed so You had to kill one of mine.” Mind you, I had just accepted Christ three months prior. I had no clue.

The next 13 years were beyond turbulent.  The coroner’s report was agonizingly slow in being prepared.  We were cleared but there was no cause of death. Our marriage struggled, I contemplated suicide – a few times, and the kids went through their challenges.  Our family was broken many, MANY times.  We experienced highs and lows in employment, finances, parenting, and marriage.  Two family members were murdered. 

In 2006 I hit rock-bottom.  With Biblical counseling my life began to change.  Still ahead were additional challenges but I was slowly becoming a different person, and thankfully, a better person. There was a lot of bitterness still in my heart, a tremendous amount of anger, but layer by layer – like an onion – it was peeling away.  Not without resistance on my part.  Painful process. Our daughter came out as homosexual.  I definitely did not handle that well.  Our son took a deep dive into rebellion, with consequences I didn’t expect.  So many conversations with God, asking Him “why? Why me?  What do you want from me?”  Hearing Him reply “why not you”, I realized that He trusted me with these experiences, providing me the opportunity to choose to retreat or lean into Him, growing in my faith. My commitment was to be transparent and vulnerable, sharing my experiences and God’s ever present grace and love.  I walked away, multiple times, but He never did.

In the last few years our family has been rocked by the death of my dad, my mother and father-in-law, nephews, and brother-in-law.  With leaps of faith I have committed to and been privileged to complete higher education, now working on my master’s degree, and have experienced incredible success in my career.  2019, Rob I celebrated 30 years of marriage.  Both of our children have left our home, making their way.  I’d like to say that was an easy transition for me, but I would be lying.  It was anything but.  

Today, I am a woman who loves her Savior and is strong in that love and acceptance. I am eternally thankful for His love.  The work is not yet complete but I am no longer that mean and angry shrew that I was.  More and more often my first response to challenges and trials isn’t an attitude of anger or bitterness, rather a pause with a look to my Lord for His help.  Mind you, I stress “more often” and not always.  I am a work in progress!  My soul knows joy and happiness. I dream.  There are still messy spaces in my life, but I have peace.  I have friends.  My children are both in my life and that wasn’t always the story.  Rob and I are moving forward, together. 

I share this and future entries to encourage and offer hope. You are not alone in your journey. ❤️