Reflections

Looking in the mirror there are times I am surprised at the person staring back at me.  The eyes have seen so much.  Smiling, I see a new line or two around the eyes, and mouth.  There’s no escaping it, time is marching on.  When I was young I never really thought about the future.  I never created a “five-year-plan” or even thought about college.  That just wasn’t my life.  Looking in the mirror I see a survivor.  This woman has survived so much, from the painful, fearful, occult based childhood to the teen years that ushered in a period of drugs as a way of escape, which led to a hasty marriage and teen pregnancy.  The abusive marriage was short-lived but the damage, combined with the childhood pain, created a cage of fear, anger, and self-loathing that wouldn’t begin to unlock for almost 20+ years.  That 20+ year time span gave way to a new marriage, an abortion, the birth of two sons, the death of a child, two family members murdered, deep-dive into despair and depression, suicidal thoughts, and children who made unhealthy life choices.  Reaching rock-bottom in 2006, a cry for help was answered.  Intensive counseling, peeling back layers of pain began the healing journey.  14 years after entering counseling, it is a privilege to say that today I smile.  I laugh.  I live life.  I still cry.  I have pockets of depression.  I fight against anxiety.  But in it all, I have hope and joy.  Looking in the mirror, staring deeply in the eyes of this woman, I see a warrior who made hard choices, fought for her family, for herself, and kept pushing through the pain.  This woman, has been freed from the bondage of self-loathing.  As a survivor, she knows the joy of living life, thankful for each day, the joy of having deep, trusting friendships, and the joy of knowing the gift of coming alongside others who find themselves in pits of despair.

As “that woman”, I have learned that life is a beautiful gift.  It has its ups and downs but overall, it is a journey worth taking.  The pain has helped me to learn to enjoy the simple things.  Having laugh lines reminds me that I learned to smile, a real smile, with the truth confirmed in the sparkle of the eyes.  There are a lot of regrets in my past, that I do not deny.  However, I have the opportunity to learn from those regrets and in turn, be intentional with each day I am blessed to experience.  Hatred and anger, those feelings have no room in my heart.  I refuse to give any more power to those who hurt, used, and abused.  Today, and every day, I have a choice. I choose happiness.  When I look in the mirror, I am pleased to see me.  I’ve learned to like me, and I am learning to love me. 

I am on a journey and I’ve much to share about where I’ve been and where I am going.  My hope is that by sharing my experiences, one person may relate and find a glimmer of hope.