Why~

We are three months shy of our son’s 25th death anniversary. 25 years. How is it even possible that I have continued living for 25 years? I can remember like it was yesterday, that morning – not knowing how I was breathing, walking, or carrying on conversations with first responders, detectives, and the coroner. It’s been almost 25 years of the never-ending thought, ‘what would he have been like’. Being forever 2 years and 8 months, we didn’t even finish toilet training. What type of student would he have been? Would Tyler have played sports? Been popular? A college student? What career path would he have chosen? Like his dad and siblings, would he have enjoyed the outdoors? Would he have been more like me and preferred to read or write? What would he look like? So many questions and not one answer. The biggest question for me was ‘why’. Why my son? Why my family?

About five years ago, I recall sitting at church, not wanting to be there. I was in a dark place, struggling with so many family-related issues. Sitting alone I quietly called out to God “why Lord, why me? I didn’t start out life wanting to get married or be a mom. You gave it all to me but not without allowing so much pain. Why all these painful life events?” I felt God speak to me, “why not you?” That caught my attention. Why not me indeed. Then the mental discussion of what I would do with my life and how I would live out my commitment to God, trusting and loving Him, while also bearing the many pains of my life. It’s easy to wear a smile when things are going well and say “Praise God”. What; however, is my attitude when I am at my deepest, darkest moments? I still praise God. Yes, I hurt. I have no insight as to why my Tyler died, unexpectedly and with no cause. Without a doubt I can say that God was not caught off guard by Tyler’s death. My pain has not been taken away . I miss my son – every day. As a believer in Jesus Christ, I have the promise and hope of eternity in heaven, of being reunited with my son. Until that time, I carry the pain of my loss, mixed with the joy of the Holy Spirit.

It’s not easy. There are days I raise my fists in anger and with tears running down my face I ask again, “why”. Yeah, it is a bit comical. Who am I to question God. Thankfully, He knows me and He knows my heart. God loves me through it all. His grace is sufficient. There are no answers, and I accept that. Leaning into Him, I rest and ask for His strength because truly I cannot and do not, make this journey alone.

My love for Jesus in the face of trials is the main reason I have started this blog. I want people to see that it gets ugly, it gets raw – it just gets real, but – through it all, Jesus is there for me. I am not alone. There is so much more I look forward to sharing. This may be more of a healing for me but I hope that in the bearing of my soul, in the gritty honesty, you’ll find that if you, unfortunately, share in any of my pain, you are not alone. There are times it may feel like it, but be assured, you are not alone. Thank you for reading and hanging out with me for a bit. I’d love to hear from you. For now, I leave you with a verse that is meant to comfort. “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds” (Psalm 147:2). Be encouraged ~